There are some pretty amazing homeschoolers out there and it is easy to fall into comparing your teen to others. You’ve probably heard of the homeschool prodigy who became a doctor at age 21 or the amazing homeschool cellist who performed at the White House. What about the homeschooled teen who wrote a best seller? Maybe these stories don’t spark jealousy, but what about the local homeschooler with a full-merit college scholarship? Or, what about the homeschool families on social media who post a steady stream of beautiful photographs of their innovative educational activities and world travels? Or even local teens at co-op who are always polite and seem to be in a good mood?
Why We Compare
It is easy to fall into the trap of comparison. Most of us weren’t raised as homeschoolers, so we are blazing new trails for our family, and high school can feel like the great unknown. The decision to homeschool through high school is not always received with support. Facing criticism from friends and family, it can be easy to feel like we have to prove the validity of our choices. Looking at homeschooled families who have done well can provide reassurance and fuel insecurity. A troubled economy, rising tuition costs and declining admissions rates at top colleges can also add to worry.
Comparisons Undermine Teens
When we get involved in a lot of comparisons, it can undermine the happiness and success of our homeschool. Comparisons can get in the way of seeing our teens’ unique strengths and capabilities. Many of us chose homeschooling because we wanted a unique and custom education that fits our kids and their ways of learning. Comparisons can lead us to push for options, like dual enrollment or a dozen APs, that may not be a good fit for the individual learning profile of our homeschoolers. These options may not fit well, but they may also get in the way of other unique homeschooling opportunities.
Comparisons Hurt Relationships
Teenagers need to be understood and appreciated for their unique selves. While we all naturally look to the future and want our children to be well prepared for success in college and in life, we need to remember there are many paths to a good future. Just like we’d resent it if our family members compared us to others and felt we came up short, our teens hate it, too.
Comparisons Aren’t Even Reality
The reality is that we never really know what another family’s life is like. At homeschool group or in a Facebook update, you only see a small slice of the lives of other homeschoolers. The reality is that nobody’s family is perfect. Every teen has their difficult moments and challenges. Every homeschool parent has days that cause them to wonder why they ever decided to homeschool in the first place.
What To Do Instead of Comparing
Take Time to Notice the Good – With children and teens, it is easy to focus on the negative. There’s the geometry that you can’t remember how to teach, the kitchen that never seems 100% clean, your teen’s lack of motivation, your preteen’s eye-rolling, and the sibling squabbles—failing to notice all the good that is happening fuels the feeling that your family isn’t measuring up. We will never be content when we only focus on the negative aspects of our experiences and the positive aspects of other families. Instead, make an active effort to notice the positives. Notice the ways your children and teens are growing and changing. What can they do this year that they could not do a year or two ago? What is happening in the happy moments? Try keeping a journal where you note positive moments.
Use Real and Accurate Information – Don’t base your thoughts about the future on anecdotes. Do your research and learn more about homeschool planning and college expectations. There’s quite a lot of inaccurate information about homeschooling and about college admissions floating around the web and at homeschool conventions. Just because a particular path worked for a particular student doesn’t mean it has anything to do with your family or what will work for your kids. Try to base your planning on real and accurate information based on up-to-date research, not just anecdotal experience.
Build Authentic Relationships—Find local homeschool friends with whom you can speak openly. Build a network of support and a community of cheering for each other and supporting other families through challenges. With open conversations, you will quickly realize that every homeschool family and every family with teens has its own worries.
Treat Each Teen as an Individual – Before you undertake testing or a particular high school plan, make sure it is a good fit for your teen’s strengths and goals. Every homeschooler is a unique individual. High school decisions need to be informed by the realities of planning for success in life and career, but there are many ways to approach this. Your teen deserves to receive individualized homeschool planning based on their unique profile of strengths.
Homeschooling Isn’t A Contest – While homeschooling is great and deciding to homeschool is something we should feel proud about, we need to avoid the feeling that we have to be perfect. We need to fight the urge that tells us we have something to prove and instead celebrate and enjoy the years we have with our homeschool children and teens. There are many paths to a happy and successful adult life, and it is when we appreciate our children’s unique strengths we will best support and nurture them.
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